PANDA-MONIUM!!!

Hello Funny One here. Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond, is having some furry big problems. And, no, not with his hairy pits, but with the pandas from China that are now living in Edinburgh Zoo. Both countries made a deal hoping that the pandas would mate and would increase their population (plus, he’s secretly hoping to make some extra cash from tourists.) Well, what do you know? They refuse to mate. Salmond is now going to extreme measures to try to get them to do it.

Exhibit A:
Salmond decides a movie might help get things moving along and decides to let them watch one of the cheesiest romantic movies available, “The Vow.” By viewing humans getting it on should have get things hot and steamy for the pandas, making them want to mate. The pandas get bored and start to fight.

Exhibit B:
OK, so romantic movies don’t work. Well, how about something really dirty and filthy! Salmond picks up a copy of his favorite book, “Fifty Shades of Grey” and reads to the pandas. Wild animals will surely like this, with him talking dirty. They’ll be mating in no time. The only thing that happens is that it makes him want to jump on them more!

Exhibit C:
Maybe a romantic meal with a little candlelight might work. Salmond buys a candle with the word “Celebrate!” printed on the side to celebrate their mating, but he doesn’t realize the word on the candle is actually “Celibate”. Does this work? No. Why would a candle work?

Exhibit D:
OK, well maybe the pandas are more visual. Salmond thinks that by giving the female panda a make-over to look like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman“, the male panda won’t be able to resist her and jump on her, just like he secretly wants to. Alex Salmond is really obsessed with hookers and pandas. His biggest sex fantasy is to have a threesome with a hooker and a panda, however I’m sure he’ll love this better – a hooker panda.

Exhibit E
Now getting super-desperate at this stage, Salmond will do anything and I mean anything, and starts to strip naked for them. (It doesn’t help that he’s doing it to Justin Bieber’s latest CD playing in the background) He actually thinks that when they see the sight of his crotch, it will turn them on, and soon come thoughts to him that he might look too good and they might want to have sex with him instead! (In his dreams!)

Exhibit F
Now with the idea of him being the ultimate sex-god, deciding that the pandas want him instead of each other, he now wants a threesome. Plus, he really wants to know what it’s like to have sex with not just one but two pandas. And they’d get to know what it’s like sleeping with the ultimate “sex machine.” Yuck! No one would want him!

In conclusion, Alex Salmond proves here that no matter how desperate one may be, they can’t make pandas mate. Anyways I’ll finish here for now.

Movie Review – Bullet To The Head

Hello Funny One here. Today I went to the cinema with my sister to see the movie Bullet To The Head. It’s on ok movie, not a great story but Sylvester Stallone was good in it. Him and Christian Slater were the only ones who could act. The guy who was fighting Sly at the end wasn’t too bad. Well I give this movie 3 stars.

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Rocky V Drago

Hello Funny One here in Russia. I got a ticket to see the Rocky and Drago fight. That would be super cool if that could be real. Well I hope you like the cartoon. Anyways, I’ll finish here for now.

#55 Rocky V Drago

What are the Funniest Books?

Hello Funny One here. I just discovered the Bastarde books. Serge Bastarde Ate My Baguette: On the Road in Real Rural France and Son of Serge Bastarde: Mayhem in the Antiques Markets of Rural France. The first book, Serge Bastarde Ate My Baguette, John, who moves to France to start up as an antiques dealer, but he doesn’t count on meeting Serge Bastarde. The lovable rogue and brocanteur (secondhand goods dealer) offers to teach John the tricks of the trade in return for help in a series of corrupt schemes. As the pair travel through markets and farmhouses, they con hearty lunches from old peasants and get into scrapes with priceless collectibles. The book is filled with eccentric characters and unlikely adventures, this is a hilarious romp through the real rural France. The son of Serge Bastarde is about John’s unscrupulous yet affable partner in crime, Serge Bastarde, marries and moves to Martinique. But, like a bad penny, Serge returns, his personal life in ruins. What follows is a chaotic adventure which sees John being coerced into striking deals with the Romanian ‘mafia¡’, re-roofing a huge Basque house and getting trapped in a skip in the dead of night, while Serge rides an emotional roller coaster. Serge may be as fake as some of his antiques but, with John’s help, he eventually strikes gold in this laugh-out-loud romp. It makes me wonder if there are any other good funny books out there. I wouldn’t mind knowing. What are the funniest books? Well I love the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series. So funny. Captain Underpants. George and Harold hypnotize their headteacher and accidentally create the greatest superhero in the history of their school — Captain Underpants! His real identity is so super secret that even HE doesn’t know who he is… but he’s fighting for truth, justice, and all things pre-shrunk and cottony!! Captain Underpants has wedgie-power on his side, and he’s coming your way! Super Diaper Baby is also super funny. A man is turned into a poo. I don’t know whats more funny than that? The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists is also a great book. It’s 1837, and the luxuriantly bearded Pirate Captain and his pirate crew, life on the high seas has gotten a little dull. They get bored and decide it’s time fort another adventure. A surprisingly successful boat raid leads them to the young Charles Darwin, in desperate need of their help. The pirates go to London in a bid to save the scientist from the evil machinations of an evil Bishop. I loved the movie. In the movie the Queen of England is in it instead of the evil bishop. Also another funny book is “The Twits” by Roald Dahl. Mr and Mrs Twit are extremely mean, so the Muggle-Wump monkeys and the Roly-Poly bird hatch a clever plan to give them just the horrifying surprise they deserve! J K Rowling’s new novel “The Casual Vacancy” is a dark comedy. I haven’t read it but I’ll be reading it soon. What are the funniest books? If anyone knows of any good humor books then I would love to know about them. Anyways, I thought as I’m writing about funny books I thought I would turn myself into a wimpy kid character. I also turned Andy Samberg into one too. Hehehehe!