PANDA-MONIUM!!!

Hello Funny One here. Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond, is having some furry big problems. And, no, not with his hairy pits, but with the pandas from China that are now living in Edinburgh Zoo. Both countries made a deal hoping that the pandas would mate and would increase their population (plus, he’s secretly hoping to make some extra cash from tourists.) Well, what do you know? They refuse to mate. Salmond is now going to extreme measures to try to get them to do it.

Exhibit A:
Salmond decides a movie might help get things moving along and decides to let them watch one of the cheesiest romantic movies available, “The Vow.” By viewing humans getting it on should have get things hot and steamy for the pandas, making them want to mate. The pandas get bored and start to fight.

Exhibit B:
OK, so romantic movies don’t work. Well, how about something really dirty and filthy! Salmond picks up a copy of his favorite book, “Fifty Shades of Grey” and reads to the pandas. Wild animals will surely like this, with him talking dirty. They’ll be mating in no time. The only thing that happens is that it makes him want to jump on them more!

Exhibit C:
Maybe a romantic meal with a little candlelight might work. Salmond buys a candle with the word “Celebrate!” printed on the side to celebrate their mating, but he doesn’t realize the word on the candle is actually “Celibate”. Does this work? No. Why would a candle work?

Exhibit D:
OK, well maybe the pandas are more visual. Salmond thinks that by giving the female panda a make-over to look like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman“, the male panda won’t be able to resist her and jump on her, just like he secretly wants to. Alex Salmond is really obsessed with hookers and pandas. His biggest sex fantasy is to have a threesome with a hooker and a panda, however I’m sure he’ll love this better – a hooker panda.

Exhibit E
Now getting super-desperate at this stage, Salmond will do anything and I mean anything, and starts to strip naked for them. (It doesn’t help that he’s doing it to Justin Bieber’s latest CD playing in the background) He actually thinks that when they see the sight of his crotch, it will turn them on, and soon come thoughts to him that he might look too good and they might want to have sex with him instead! (In his dreams!)

Exhibit F
Now with the idea of him being the ultimate sex-god, deciding that the pandas want him instead of each other, he now wants a threesome. Plus, he really wants to know what it’s like to have sex with not just one but two pandas. And they’d get to know what it’s like sleeping with the ultimate “sex machine.” Yuck! No one would want him!

In conclusion, Alex Salmond proves here that no matter how desperate one may be, they can’t make pandas mate. Anyways I’ll finish here for now.

Mark Wahlberg Movie Exclusive

Hello Funny One here with a movie exclusive. Mark Wahlberg is to star in “Vertigay” which is a gay remake of the movie “vertigo”. Also starring in this movie is Shia Labeouf and singer Justin Bieber. At school Mark Wahlberg was voted most likely to get Aids. He has also been voted sexy beefcake of the year in the gay magazine  “Bum Chums.”

The plot of the story is. After a rooftop chase in which his latent acrophobia results in the death of a police officer, San Francisco detective John “Scottie” Ferguson retires, spending much of his time with his ex-partner Mark Wood. Scottie tries to gradually conquer his fear but Mark suggests that a threesome may be the only cure. An acquaintance, Gavin Elster, asks Scottie to tail his husband, Edward, claiming he has been possessed by the devil. Scottie reluctantly agrees. The next day Scottie follows Edward to a florist where he steals a bouquet of pansies; next, he visits the grave of Carlos Valdes; then he enters the Gay Jim Hotel, but when Scottie investigates, he is missing and the clerk insists he has not been there. Mark takes Scottie to a local history expert, who informs them Carlos Valdes tragically committed suicide by washing the toaster while it was still plugged in. Another visit with Gavin reveals Carlos is Edwards great-grandfather, who Gavin fears is the devil and possessing Edward. Gavin also says Edward has no knowledge of Carlos. Scottie tails Edward to Fort Point, which is beneath the Golden Gate Bridge. where he suddenly leaps into San Francisco bay. Scottie rescues Edward and takes him to his home. The meeting is tense and leads to a strange intimacy between them, but Edward quickly slips out when Scottie receives a sexy phone call. The next day Scottie follows Edward to his own house, where he is hand-delivering a thank-you note to him for rescuing him, and they decide to spend the day together because Scottie fears Edward might attempt suicide again. Edward tells him about his nightmares. Edward suddenly runs into the church and up the bell tower. Scottie, halted on the steps by vertigo and paralyzing fear, watches as Edward plunges to his death. An inquest declares Edward’s death a suicide, but Scottie feels ashamed that his weakness rendered him incapable of preventing someone’s death. Gavin does not fault Scottie, but in the following weeks Scottie becomes depressed. While undergoing treatment in a sanatorium, he becomes mute, haunted by vivid nightmares. Although Mark visits, his condition remains unchanged. After release, Scottie haunts the places that Edward visited, often imagining that he sees him. One day, he spots a man who reminds him of Edward, despite the man’s less elegant dress and heavier makeup. Scottie follows the man to his hotel room, where he identifies himself as Jim Barton from Kansas. Though initially suspicious and defensive, Jim eventually agrees to join Scottie for dinner.